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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27047839">doomed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RRHand/pseuds/RRHand'>RRHand</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stranger Things (TV 2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>And writing Billy with a little more awareness about what's hapenning to him, Character Study, Child Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It's basically me using my own experiences with domestic abuse, No Plot/Plotless, it's me ranting, only very lightly mentioned, suicide ideation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:40:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27047839</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RRHand/pseuds/RRHand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Billy knows that his biggest personality trait is being abused. It isn’t liking rock or having a fiery temper or having a sister. No, it is being abused. Billy has that knowledge, even if he keeps it deep inside of him, next to the knowledge that he’s going to either kill his father or himself, someday."</p><p>a little character study about billy because i like him a lot and sometimes people don't understand how domestic abuse fucks you up in the head. billy-antis, stay away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>doomed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi guys. i know that this isn't what i normally write, but some dumb billy antis that don't know how domestic abuse works said some shit and made me have a big brain moment and i decided to use my own experiences to write a little tiny character study about this 18yo that some people say, deserved to die. see u at the end!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>	Billy knows that his biggest personality trait is being abused. It isn’t liking rock or having a fiery temper or having a sister. No, it is being abused. Billy has that knowledge, even if he keeps it deep inside of him, next to the knowledge that he’s going to either kill his father or himself, someday. But that’s the kind of shit that you can’t really run from - once you realize this, once you understand that, at that moment and time, you’re only living to be abused, you can’t hide from it. Not really. This kind of awareness is always creeping up on you, because <em>what’s the fucking point?</em></p><p>	But Billy knows it’s his defining characteristic. It’s the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep and the first thing when he wakes up. It’s never ending, always there, always the fear of doing the slightest thing wrong and setting off The Beast. </p><p>	The Beast. That’s what Billy started calling Neil in his head. His father. The Beast. There’s not much of a difference between one or the other, but his reasoning and how Billy sees himself. His father <em>disciplines</em> because he wants the best for Billy. His father makes him take care of Maxine for him to learn about<em> responsibility</em> and <em>family</em> and <em>respect </em>and <em>love</em>. Yeah, his father does what he has to do because he loves Billy. </p><p>	That was how Billy spent too many years of his life thinking. Rationalizing, a shrink might say. He says <em>lying to himself. </em>But he doesn’t really know how much he blames his 13-year-old self - he didn’t know any better. But maybe he should’ve. Should’ve seen how none of the other kids sported bruises like he did, how they hugged their dads, unafraid. Maybe if he had said no, if he had fought back more times, stronger, louder - maybe then he wouldn’t be dealing with this.  </p><p>	With The Beast. The Beast is a different story, though. Billy looked at his father’s eyes when he was 15, in the middle of a beating, and he saw something that made him shiver. He knew right there that his father would never stop. So he became The Beast. The Beast doesn’t discipline Billy, it beats him up. It doesn’t do it because It loves Billy, It does it because The Beast loves power. Loves having Billy trembling, on the ground, on its feet. Loves making him miserable. </p><p>	So his father is The Beast and The Beast is his father and he hasn’t learned how to rationalize that yet. </p><p>	And here is he, a 18 year old boy, in a shitty town, with nowhere to go, no mom around, no friends to run to. No, no friends. Billy learned early on that when people love you, care for you, they ask questions, they want to know things. Things like <em>what happened to your ribs? </em>and <em>what did you do with your back? </em>and <em>you want me to believe that you got into another fight? uhum.</em> A lot of things. So, no friends either. </p><p>	Billy doesn’t know if he should give a pat on his own back every day that goes by that he doesn’t do anything impulsive or if he should call himself a<em> fucking coward</em> for not ending this fucking thing, one way or another. He does a little bit of both. One day it’s going to end, he knows, one way or another. </p><p>	But it can’t end before Maxine gets out, he also knows this. He might hate her, a tiny amount, for coming in with her little mom that cares about her enough to stay and for finding some kind of relief and happiness in this town that is supposed to crush his spirit. He hates her for making them come to Hawkins in the first place. But he knows he should protect her - there’s no saving Billy, but maybe he can save her. </p><p>	So he scares her a little bit and makes sure she knows that if he finds her with the black kid again, he’s going to kick their asses and does all those little things to make her hate him - because, if she’s busy hating him, she doesn’t pay attention to Neil. He knows what she’ll do if she gets whiff of what Neil does, will push and push and push until the next thing getting pushed is her into the living room’s bookcase, like Billy was so many times before. That’s just who she is. So he makes her hate him and hates himself alongside her. </p><p>	And that’s how he knows he isn’t going to be able to get out of Neil’s roof in time for him to survive. Because he has to stay until Maxine can get out too and he’s not going to last that long. But there’s no saving him, 18 and doomed already, but maybe he can buy her a little time, maybe he can help her save herself. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope you enjoyed it! kudos and comments are super welcome! if you enjoy my work, please consider supporting me! see you guys next time!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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